My Tribe

Hello everyone.... Still Thomas here.  Amy says hi, and she wants me to tell you she is having a wonderful time on vacation.  She wishes you all good fortune and many blessings.  She is still taking a break from all media related activities, and is enjoying her time "unplugged".  I did catch her checking her work e-mail a little while ago though.  When I asked her about it, she just brushed me off and said to get blogging.  You know how she is... all uppity when people question her about something... she gets a little pissy.

As promised, I will tell you a little about my home.  I am the Sheriff and only law enforcement for over 1000 people.  I am in charge of one deputy, who happens to be my younger brother, and one part-time secretary, Eunice, who is as old as time itself.  She is small, cranky, moves slow and smells funny.  But she is also the only one willing to work for nothing, and brings me lunch on the days she works.  Though the lunch fare is not all that spectacular.  Usually leftover meatloaf or three day old chicken casserole.  Um... thanks Eunice.  (you know I love you)

Our small village doesn't suffer much crime, thank goodness.  The occasional drunk, and petty theft is about as serious as it gets.  Our town jail has one cell that doesn't lock, and the bars on the windows are rusted and can be pushed out, if someone tries fairly hard.  The front door to the Sheriff's department is held shut with a bungee cord and a chair propped against the door knob.  I know - not the most ideal situation for a holding facility, but really - it's the Idon'twanna Tribe.  Nothing ever happens here.

Amy says we have such a low crime rate because everyone is afraid of me, but I think it's because my father rules with a strong hand.  He is fair but can be rather harsh in his sentences, and sometimes draconian.  My father is especially hard on my brother Charles and my youngest brother James, and he tends to loose his judgment when it comes to them.  I think the other villagers see his harsh treatment, and are afraid he may transfer his ire to them.

At times, during winter, the locals get restless, and the petty crime rates double.  Stupid pranks, brawling, binge drinking and general mischief are the biggest culprits,  and all this from the women in the tribe.  The men tend to go ice fishing, hunting, and watch football at the local bar.  The women get bored and cause trouble amongst themselves.  I find myself wanting to hire a female deputy to handle the women, but my father says that is not a good idea.  Though, I'm not sure why he thinks that, he won't explain himself.

Our little town is perfect and I am proud to live here.  I've been around the world and seen lots of things and met a bunch of different people, but I prefer it here.  The weather is somewhat mild in the winter and pleasant in the summer, and the fall colors rival anything in the North East.  We have the ideal amount of housing for our tribe members, the greatest teachers in this part of the country for our children, and we sustain our way of living by selling the excess of our produce.  Our tribe members also make products which are sold and shipped all over the world.  It is pure utopia.  I love it here.

However - I am a lonely man.  I have no woman to call my own, and the nights tend to get long and cold.  I want to make breakfast for someone other than myself or my brothers, and I want someone to buy me a nice shirt and surprise me with it for no reason other than it's Tuesday.  It would be nice to be needed for something other than my ability to fix a flat tire or a leaky faucet for the oldest woman in the tribe.  Though, it is nice to be able to contribute.

Sigh..... I'll leave you on this note..... It's not what you have in life, or what you want... the true gift lies in being happy and accepting your fate. 

Goodnight,
Thomas.

Introducing Thomas Specialhand

                           ....We both have an atrocious sense of timing....
                                                         Thomas Specialhand, on being friends with Amy.

Hello everyone.  My name is Thomas Specialhand, and I am the guest blogger this week.  Amy is on vacation from work and all media related technology.  She asked me to jump over here and help her out, and because she is such a lovely and wonderful woman, I absolutely said yes.

Today's topic will be:  ME!  As I said, my name is Thomas and I am the eldest son of three boys.  My father is Chief of the Idon'twanna Tribe, a title he has held for thirty-two years.  He has been a fair and magnanimous leader, and I am proud to call him father and friend.  As the eldest, I am scheduled (and expected) to take his place in October, 2012.  I have not yet decided if I will accept the leadership roll.  That is a scary thought for me.  Being a leader is not easy and at most times very unrewarding.  I've watched my father over the years, and have seen the toll it takes on a man.  I don't think I have it in me to be the strong leader he is.  Nor do I think I want the responsibility.

  Our tribe is located North of the Stillsomething Special Nation, and just East of the Ican'tbelieveIdidthat Village.  We are 300 warriors strong and we are a proud and glorious people.  My father has made our borders strong, been an insightful city planner, anticipated our needs and growths, provided for our elderly and sick, and has brought technology to our land.  (hence the inter-net connection).  Our children are educated in updated classrooms, our hospital and health clinic have the best doctors and nurses, and our crime rate is almost non-existent.  What if I ruin all that - and things go to shit?  I will be the one to go into the history books as causing the demise of my tribe.  I do not want that on my record.  The guilt of it would ruin me.

I met Amy in January, 2009,  during what she calls "Her Introspective Period".  She was in a dark corner of her mind, and looking behind a hidden door.  She was cleaning out her memories and reflecting on past experiences, when she unlocked the door, and there I was.  She was as surprised as I.  I fell in love with her that moment, and have been with her ever since.  Over the years she has tried to make me leave - but I refuse to go.  I love her.  She needs me, and I need her, and I will never leave.  Never.

I am a man of deep emotions and deep convictions;  I speak my mind and am not afraid to mix it up.  My timing, however, is a little off.  I say the wrong things at the wrong time, and the right things never come to me in time to say them when I should.  Another reason why I do not want to be Chief.  My father has impeccable timing and always says the correct thing at the perfect time.  I do not.  I think that's why Amy and I get along as well as we do.  We both have an atrocious sense of timing.

Last month Amy and I discussed me taking over as Chief.  She brought it up right after a council meeting at which I was awarded "The Best Police Officer of the Year" award.  Did I forget to mention I'm the tribe sheriff?  See - bad timing.  I should have told you that in the beginning.  The award is not all that impressive though.  I'm the only officer the tribe has.  Well, that's not really true.  I have a Deputy named Charlie.  He's my younger brother, and he hopes to have my job when I take over our father's job. 

He's pretty young and very impressionable, and I'm not sure if he's cut out for police work.  He's into fast cars, fast money and even faster women.  I'm afraid for our tribe it he becomes Sheriff.  My father has tried to reign him and and teach him our ways, but Charlie usually goes his own way.  He always has, and I'm not sure if father can change that.  The only thing which will bring Charlie back around to us, is the love of a good woman from our tribe, and I'm not sure if any of them would have him.  (And I'm not in the match-making business.)  Amy thinks I should concentrate on myself right now anyway. 

Ok, enough about me for today.  In the next blog I will tell you about our tribe and some of the people in it, and some of our history.

Until then,
Thomas.

My Bucket List

We all have a bucket list.  My list is called, "My Life Goals"... here they are (not necessarily in this order)

1.  Visit the Grand Canyon
2.  Ride in a commuter train
3.  Drive a real live race car (NASCAR)
4.  Walk on the moon
5.  Drive the space shuttle
6.  Publish a book
7.  Have fifteen minutes of positive fame
8.  Meet a bona fide famous person
9.  Have a drink with a former president
10.  Obtain a passport
11.  Visit another country
12.  Invent time travel
13.  Invent an anti-gravity device
14.  Drive a golf cart
15.  Eat pizza in New York
16.  Ride in a helicopter
17.  Start a small business
18.  Be on the cover of Forbes magazine because I grew my small business into a world wide empire
19.  Pay off all my debt
20.  Have an epic adventure
21.  Be a guest on Fantasy Island
22.  Get to work on time
23.  Be a master of stating the obvious

Some of the things I have accomplished so far:

1.  Start a blog - Done
2.  Have a dog - Done
3.  Visit California - Done
4.  Visit Wyoming - Done
5.  Learn how to ride a motorcycle - Done
6.  Learn how to shoot a gun - Done
      a.  Learn how to shoot a gun well - Mostly done. (Still working on this one)
7.  Say something nice to someone everyday - Done (I've made it 6 out of 7 days this week)
8.  Read the Bible from cover to cover - Done  (starting again soon)
9.  Ride a horse - Done (thanks Barb!)
10.  Take a tour of the Hoover Dam - Done (was a wonderful tour - You should go)

I'd say I've done pretty well on my list.

Hair Proud

I am hair proud.  I admit it freely.  My hair is finally getting longish and I'm proud of it.  I'm a parakeet, and I love to look at my lovely locks in the mirror.  I've worked really hard on growing it.... ha, like I have anything to do with that right?  Other than take vitamins and use little to no heat, I've done nothing.  Except maybe brush it, and talk to it at night.

I like to feel the silky strands flow over my back and shoulders, and I wish I could wear shoulder-less blouses to work, but that would not go over well with my supervisor or co-workers.  Imagine me sitting at my desk wearing a halter-top.  Oh no.  That would not work at all.

I like to run my fingers through it, and twirl it around my index finger and I love to smell it.  It smells like shampoo and heaven.  (or what I guess heaven would smell like... shampoo and hair  -  no just kidding).

I think I'll dye a strand of it pink..... or maybe blue?

A day in my life

I woke up this morning...


Tumbled out of bed...


Got dressed....


Brushed my teeth...


Had some coffee...


Drove to work...


Hit an old man with my car...


Ooopsss... sorry!











Had a talk with police...
 

Finally arrived at work... and got busy...


Worked some more...


Took a break...


Went home... and had some dinner...
 

And finally went to bed...


As I say goodnight my friends, I will keep you in my prayers, my thoughts and my heart!

My creativity muscle....

I read somewhere recently, "Creativity is a muscle, and you must exercise it daily."  Bah.  I hate exercise.  I joined a gym a few months ago, thinking I would get skinny, fit into jeans I haven't been able to squeeze into since the late '90's, and would wow the world with my new svelte self.  Well that hasn't worked out like I planned.  I went a few times, got trained on how to use the machines, how many reps to do, and where to set my water bottle.  I even learned to look like I knew what I was doing.  Humph.  It didn't last long.

A few days ago there was a news story about mice and exercise.  Seems some mice were missing two important genes which made it more difficult for them to exercise and get any benefit from the exercise they did do.  Check out the story here.  The mice missing the genes were lazier and unable to run as far as those with the genes.  That must be what's wrong with me.  I'm missing the two ever important mice genes which make it possible for me to run.  Instead, I was dealt a double dose of the couch potato gene.  Don't scoff, it's true. 

From an online article regarding couch potatoes.... 

...They believe they have pinpointed the genes that produce an enzyme in our muscles during exercise called AMP kinase, which controls the way we turn food into energy. Those who generate large quantities of AMPK have more energy, whereas those with lesser amounts are likely to tire almost immediately.

and later... "By contrast, those without were ‘extremely exercise intolerant’ "  See the story here.   I am lactose intolerant, sorta wheat intolerant - and now is seems, exercise intolerant.  This so explains my life. 

Anyway, back to my creative muscle.  I think mine is located directly behind my left knee cap.  (or maybe a little to the right side of my knee cap) I also think it is very weak and somewhat misshapen.  I had an orthopedic surgeon look at it, but he didn't detect any anomalies, and he told me to "just work it out everyday".  Yeah right. 

I also read on the net somewhere to develop large and strong creative muscles we must practice and flex the area daily.  Hence this blog spot.  I'm working my muscle and lifting weights with it.  I started with a two pound barbell, and now I'm up to a three pounder.  Whew.  I'm exhausted, but happy.  I'm blogging every chance I can, and am working on a short fiction story for publication in an online magazine.  Wish me luck.  I have a few editors to help me along in the process, but am always looking for different people.  If you are interested in helping, please let me know.

Co-workers and ham steak... and sometimes cheese

I work with a group of five women with the same sense of humor as myself, (which is a good thing - for all of us).  We are sarcastic, irreverent, and tend to be somewhat loud and obnoxious.  We laugh at things that are not funny, and we jest about things that are terrifying.  Nothing is off limits and we tend to take the frivolity to extremes.  That being said, don't get the wrong impression of the six of us though.  We work hard, take pride in our jobs, and each other, and we strive for excellence.  We provide a solemn and sedate service for our employer, and we are all excellent at what we do.  Nevertheless, after a while, as the day drags on, things tend to get tedious and tense, and sometimes we need a break from all the seriousness and I think a little venting of steam is warranted.

We often help each other with the workload and we work well as a team.  We joke and say we are interchangeable, because we each step in to fill a need for another,  but really we just work well together.  Because we have affection for one another, we very often do nice things for each other.  However, we have one unwritten rule:  no spending lots of money on each other.  Birthdays, Christmas, or something special, we do not spend more than five dollars. 

This forces us  to be creative when thanking one another for a job well done.   The gift giving is usually symbolic of the event being commemorated, the person giving the gift, or the person receiving the gift.  Most items are purchased at a dollar store, or somewhere similar, but not always.

On one occasion, I wanted to thank a coworker for something especially gracious she had done for me, but payday was three days away.  I was desperate to show my appreciation, and didn't know what to do.  So I opened my refrigerator looking for something to make her.  I was thinking of some kind of dessert, like a cake, or brownies, or maybe cookies.  But I was out of ingredients, and as I said, payday was a ways off.  The only thing I had in my fridge to give away was a ham steak.

I often times shop at Costco because I love a few of their products, and I love to buy my toilet paper in three hundred roll packs.  The only problem with buying that much toilet paper - is storing it.  Where does one store three hundred rolls?  I can't leave some of it out, because my dog Max will eat it (the damn dog will eat anything), and I do not want to clean up that mess .  But I digress....

I bought some ham steak at Costco and it comes in a three pack.  Meaning, three ham steaks come (individually wrapped) in a nice little handy net.  I think it's to make it easier to carry.  Earlier in the week, I had pulled out a ham steak from the freezer and set it in the fridge to defrost.  I was going to use it for dinner later in the week.  My eyes landed on the ham and I knew that's what I would give as a gift to my dear friend.  But I didn't want to give her the whole steak, because I needed it to make dinner.  So, I cut the ham steak in half and put it in a baggie to take to work.  (The other half I used to make pork fried rice... very tasty).

The next morning, I set the "half of ham steak" on my co-worker's desk and waited for her to arrive.  I was anxious and nervous about giving her such a cheap and stupid gift.  I was expecting ridicule, mockery and utter contempt.  I berated myself for thinking such a gift would be acceptable.  How could I be so dense as to think she would like such a thing.  For goodness sakes, it wasn't even a whole steak!

She sat at her desk and discovered her present, and with excited eyes, looked to me and exclaimed, “Ham.  Wow, I love ham.”   I was shocked to discover her delight, as I figured she would turn her nose up at the gift.  She opened the baggie and dove in.  She enjoyed every piece of the ham steak.

Still to this day, we laugh at the ridiculously stupid gift.  Sometimes we even give cheese to each other and we all laugh at that as well.